MAP Strategic Wealth Advisors

Three takeaways:

Surveys of parents consistently show that the top two desires of parents is that their kids grow up to be a) good people and b) happy people. The concern is: what is the best way for a parent to make this happen?

The classic debate is nature vs. nurture: What has a greater effect? Are children born blank slates, or is personality biological and inherited? Recent studies have shown that it is the latter. These findings would suggest that the overall effect of parenting, good or bad, is drastically overestimated.

However these surveys showed two notable exceptions, in two dimensions of personality: conscientiousness and agreeableness. Children were more conscientious when parents were more involved in their lives. They were more agreeable when their parents raised them with more structure and goals.

The research gives us three distinct parenting rules to better assure that your child grows up to be both good and happy. These are:

1. Even a mess can be a good parent: While some habits will be learned, don’t let a fear of passing along problems or bad habits keep you from having kids. The single greatest thing a parent can do to benefit their child is be present/involved.
2. When you don’t know what to do, be warm and loving: Warmth and affection trump all. Your reaction to your kids worst behavior will define their paths forward, and provide a blueprint for how they eventually parent as well.
3. Be the person you want your kids to become: Kids are walking BS-detectors. They notice when there is a difference between what you say and what you do. This is simple. If you do not want them to grow up to drink heavily, don’t drink heavily in front of them. If you want them to be warm people, be warm to them.

One last tip: if you wish to stop complaining so much, let those you are around commonly about your intention– you’ll find that they’ll be more than happy to call you out when you go back to your complaining ways!

From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
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Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.

Four takeaways:

Research shows that constant complaining can have an incredibly negative effect on one’s mood, even in moments when they are not confronted with something to complain about. Research also shows that being a complainer can directly harm the happiness & enjoyment of those around you.

Thankfully It is a breakable habit. Here are four, research-based ways to quit complaining.

1. Judge less, observe more. Complaining is a judgmental act, but you can be intentional about observing without judgment. Reframe minor irritations as simple, unimportant events. and become more of an observer in the game of life. Remember: water off of a duck’s back.
2. Consider the underlying problem: Constant complaining may indicate deeper issues, such as depression. Be introspective about why you are complaining. Addressing what truly bothers you might diminish the need for complaining about trivial matters like weather or politics.
3. Be a Stoic: Stoicism involves managing emotions through reason rather than suppressing them. Before complaining, ask if you can change the situation. If you can, don’t waste energy complaining and act in pursuit of the solution. If you can’t change the situation, understand that complaining won’t help.
4. Avoid the grumblers: Surround yourself with positive influences and limit exposure to negativity, both in media and in people. Remember that so much of the media we consume– tv news, social media– are sustained and profitable because they strike at the “complaining” part of the brain.

One last tip: if you wish to stop complaining so much, let those you are around commonly about your intention– you’ll find that they’ll be more than happy to call you out when you go back to your complaining ways!

From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
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Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.

Three takeaways:

Thompson asserts that happy couples are do not live argument-free lives. They are simply more effective at controlling the scope of their disagreements.

Research suggests that many happy couples engage in repetitive conflicts, but are still able to perceive themselves as happy because they focus on constructive communication rather than attempting to control each other’s behaviors.

Rather than try to control their partners, happy couples were more likely to focus on controlling themselves. They sat with silence more. They slowed down fights by reflecting before talking. They leaned on I statements (“I feel hurt that you’d say that about my parents”) rather than assumptive ones (“You’ve always just hated my mother”).

One common common pitfall of the arguments of unhappy couples is losing control of the scope of disagreements. Thompson calls this “opening new tabs,” as you might on a web browser. For instance, if one partner feels frustrated that the other didn’t do the dishes, don’t bring up a previous fight about a different chore (tab two!), and don’t let that bleed into a greater argument about miscommunication (tab three!). Be intentional about restrict the conversation to soap and plates.

Thompson urges readers to ask themselves three questions in the heat of a conflict:

1. “Are we opening new tabs?” Too many fights happen when one hard conversation branches into several hard conversations.
2. “Are we venting or problem-solving?” Too many fights happen when one partner tries to have an emotional conversation and feels shut down by a barrage of unemotional practical suggestions.
3. “What if I tried to control only myself?” Many fights are exacerbated by you need to statements. I need to statements direct inward the urge to control.

By recognizing and controlling what type of conversation is being had, a couple can focus on fixing that issue as quickly and efficiently as possible.

From Derek Thompson at The Atlantic:
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Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.

Four takeaways:

Our inner critic exists as a type of guardian against perceived potential harm or embarrassment or failure, and it is often rooted in past experiences or self-doubt. Understanding this inner critic is key to understanding that it is not in fact protecting you– it is keeping you from reaching your potential.

Overcoming the inner critic requires you to harness inner strength, acknowledge past successes and surround yourself with a supportive network. By seeking positive feedback and believing in yourself, you’re equipped to overcome any resistance the inner critic may impose to opportunities of growth.

Here is a battle plan for building that inner strength:

Pinpoint your strengths: Know what you bring to the table, your unique skills and experiences, much like a pilot understands their jet inside and out.

1. Pinpoint your strengths: Know what you bring to the table, and build on your unique skills and experiences. Much like a pilot understands their jet, you must know everything about your skills & arena.
2. Establish your objectives: Set specific, measurable goals that guide your journey. This turns lofty aspirations into targeted missions, each designed to challenge the inner critic’s narrative and replace doubt with evidence of your competence and achievement./li>
3. Engage your support squad: Recruit those trusted individuals who remind you of your worth, and bolster your courage when the mission feels daunting. Their feedback and camaraderie will push you forward with added confidence and perspective.
4. Celebrate every victory: Celebrate every win, no matter how insignificant you think it is. Each success is a testament to your growth, a strike against the inner critic’s baseless claims.

By Michelle Curran for the “Inverting Your Mindset” Newsletter:
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