MAP Strategic Wealth Advisors

Four takeaways:

Research shows that constant complaining can have an incredibly negative effect on one’s mood, even in moments when they are not confronted with something to complain about. Research also shows that being a complainer can directly harm the happiness & enjoyment of those around you.

Thankfully It is a breakable habit. Here are four, research-based ways to quit complaining.

1. Judge less, observe more. Complaining is a judgmental act, but you can be intentional about observing without judgment. Reframe minor irritations as simple, unimportant events. and become more of an observer in the game of life. Remember: water off of a duck’s back.
2. Consider the underlying problem: Constant complaining may indicate deeper issues, such as depression. Be introspective about why you are complaining. Addressing what truly bothers you might diminish the need for complaining about trivial matters like weather or politics.
3. Be a Stoic: Stoicism involves managing emotions through reason rather than suppressing them. Before complaining, ask if you can change the situation. If you can, don’t waste energy complaining and act in pursuit of the solution. If you can’t change the situation, understand that complaining won’t help.
4. Avoid the grumblers: Surround yourself with positive influences and limit exposure to negativity, both in media and in people. Remember that so much of the media we consume– tv news, social media– are sustained and profitable because they strike at the “complaining” part of the brain.

One last tip: if you wish to stop complaining so much, let those you are around commonly about your intention– you’ll find that they’ll be more than happy to call you out when you go back to your complaining ways!

From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
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Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.

Three takeaways:

Thompson asserts that happy couples are do not live argument-free lives. They are simply more effective at controlling the scope of their disagreements.

Research suggests that many happy couples engage in repetitive conflicts, but are still able to perceive themselves as happy because they focus on constructive communication rather than attempting to control each other’s behaviors.

Rather than try to control their partners, happy couples were more likely to focus on controlling themselves. They sat with silence more. They slowed down fights by reflecting before talking. They leaned on I statements (“I feel hurt that you’d say that about my parents”) rather than assumptive ones (“You’ve always just hated my mother”).

One common common pitfall of the arguments of unhappy couples is losing control of the scope of disagreements. Thompson calls this “opening new tabs,” as you might on a web browser. For instance, if one partner feels frustrated that the other didn’t do the dishes, don’t bring up a previous fight about a different chore (tab two!), and don’t let that bleed into a greater argument about miscommunication (tab three!). Be intentional about restrict the conversation to soap and plates.

Thompson urges readers to ask themselves three questions in the heat of a conflict:

1. “Are we opening new tabs?” Too many fights happen when one hard conversation branches into several hard conversations.
2. “Are we venting or problem-solving?” Too many fights happen when one partner tries to have an emotional conversation and feels shut down by a barrage of unemotional practical suggestions.
3. “What if I tried to control only myself?” Many fights are exacerbated by you need to statements. I need to statements direct inward the urge to control.

By recognizing and controlling what type of conversation is being had, a couple can focus on fixing that issue as quickly and efficiently as possible.

From Derek Thompson at The Atlantic:
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Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.

Four takeaways:

Our inner critic exists as a type of guardian against perceived potential harm or embarrassment or failure, and it is often rooted in past experiences or self-doubt. Understanding this inner critic is key to understanding that it is not in fact protecting you– it is keeping you from reaching your potential.

Overcoming the inner critic requires you to harness inner strength, acknowledge past successes and surround yourself with a supportive network. By seeking positive feedback and believing in yourself, you’re equipped to overcome any resistance the inner critic may impose to opportunities of growth.

Here is a battle plan for building that inner strength:

Pinpoint your strengths: Know what you bring to the table, your unique skills and experiences, much like a pilot understands their jet inside and out.

1. Pinpoint your strengths: Know what you bring to the table, and build on your unique skills and experiences. Much like a pilot understands their jet, you must know everything about your skills & arena.
2. Establish your objectives: Set specific, measurable goals that guide your journey. This turns lofty aspirations into targeted missions, each designed to challenge the inner critic’s narrative and replace doubt with evidence of your competence and achievement./li>
3. Engage your support squad: Recruit those trusted individuals who remind you of your worth, and bolster your courage when the mission feels daunting. Their feedback and camaraderie will push you forward with added confidence and perspective.
4. Celebrate every victory: Celebrate every win, no matter how insignificant you think it is. Each success is a testament to your growth, a strike against the inner critic’s baseless claims.

By Michelle Curran for the “Inverting Your Mindset” Newsletter:
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Three takeaways:

Psychologists have shown that the feeling of being harried and having insufficient time because of busyness is linked to less happiness. The strategic use of no can truly change your quality of life.

But it is not easy to do, and for some it can actually seem like a violent act to say no, even if the request is innocuous. There are a number of natural mental biases we have towards saying yes to things– we want to people-please; we fear the consequences of saying no to someone; we are wary of missed opportunities.

However, scholars have devised experiments to show that those who struggle to turn down requests from others typically overestimate the negative consequences of turning them down. Those who ask things of us will usually be less put out than you expect them to be if you say no to them. You just have to get the knack for saying no instead of yes. Here are some tips for getting better at saying no, especially in the workplace.

1. Start a No Club: Here, Brooks tells the story of a group of scientists who agreed they were overwhelmed with requests for their time, and vowed together to say no more often. They kept each other accountable to this, and saw that they became more efficient as a result. You can also communicate with peers about the power of saying no- creating accountability and also a collaborative checks and balance system to make sure no truly unavoidable or important ask gets unfulfilled.
2. Make no easier: Make no your default option by reframing asks & requests as a request to “opt in,” to a task, rather than something you need to make an excuse to “opt out” of. No becomes easier if you approach things knowing you are not going to choose to participate, and that whoever is making the ask will have to prove why they need you to partake.
3. Make yes harder: Put a framework in place to protect yourself from burdensome asks. Not all of us can have assistants to vet opportunities as Arthur Brooks does, but knowing the arrival of a request can cause a stress reaction means that we can consciously put our phones away or switch windows on the computer when a new request comes in. This gives us time to think and evaluate it. Put friction and obstacles on your path to saying yes.

Of course, requests for your time, attention, and diligence may be unavoidable. But with these tactics in hand, and a new consciousness of the sheer weight these unending requests can have on the mind– we hope you’ll be better prepared to deploy the word that should become your best friend: No.

From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
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Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.