Stop asking ‘Am I good enough?’ To be yourself and feel worthy, do 5 things instead, says psychologist
Five Takeaways:
Dr. Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist, a professor at the University of Maryland. Her new book, Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, makes a simple but powerful case: the people with the deepest sense of self-worth aren’t trying to prove anything. They’re focused on being who they are.
Research backs her up. Studies link authenticity closely to well-being, and dropping the act tends to make others more drawn to us, not less. Franco suggests swapping “How can I be enough?” for a better question: “How can I be myself?” Here are her five key insights for making that happen:
- Thank your fear of rejection: Trying to squash or defeat the fear of being rejected often makes it stronger. Psychologists call this ironic process theory. Franco suggests treating that fear as a request for your attention and compassion instead. Thank it for trying to keep you connected to the people who matter to you, and it tends to lose its grip.
- Imagine a friend’s point of view: We’re often hardest on the parts of ourselves we see as flawed. Research shows that the more compassion we find for those parts, the more authentic we feel. Next time you make a mistake at work, step back and picture your best friend– or a loved one– reminding you that mistakes don’t define you. They just make you human.
- Write down how you’d benefit from rejection: Fear of not being enough lingers because we imagine rejection as unbearable. In reality, you’d be okay, and you might even grow from it by learning to move forward and to value your own approval over others’. Franco recommends putting this on paper. Writing helps us process and find meaning in a way that replaying thoughts in our heads does not.
- Keep a list of your strengths: If you feel you have to prove your worth in every interaction, write down what you bring to the table: your humor, intelligence, presence, flair and care. Seeing it in black and white helps you trust that people can like you without you working so hard to be liked. Trying too hard often backfires anyway.
- Develop and repeat a mantra: When your mind gets preoccupied with others’ approval, a mantra can steer your attention back to yourself. Franco offers examples like “I want to belong to myself first” and “Being myself is always enough.” The key is not to recite it mindlessly, but to do it intentionally. Each time you say it, aim to feel a real shift inside.
These key tactics will not rid you of feelings of self-doubt- but they will make them more productive and less inhibitive. May you put them to good use!
by Marisa G. Franco for CNBC’s Make It
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