Feeling Desolate? There Is a Cure for That
Three takeaways:
In many cases, life’s joys can give way to feelings of numbness or desolation. An exciting new job, for instance, can lose its luster and become boring or frustrating. It may seem natural to cut the problem off at the source — in this case, by quitting — but Brooks argues this instinct is misguided and potentially harmful.
Long-term well-being depends, in part, on reframing this sense of desolation — rather than treating it as an obstacle, recognizing it as a passage that carries the promise of growth. For those who learn to move through desolation rather than resist it, a deeper and more lasting consolation waits on the other side.
Brooks cites research about Marriage & job satisfaction to show that the highest overall satisfaction levels are always at the beginning- and then notes that the marriages and careers that endure & last share common traits: not that their participants never encounter emotional desolation, but that they use that desolation as an opportunity to learn and grow. A 2023 study of newly graduated nurses found that job satisfaction came not from avoiding workplace conflict, but from facing challenges directly and rationally. Withdrawal and evasion from these problems, by contrast, offered no such reward.
Brooks offers three key pieces of advice for handling life’s periods of desolation head on:
- Stick to your knitting: When desolation hits, the right first move is to do nothing. Or at least, nothing rash. Never make major decisions driven by emotion. Instead, recognize difficulty as a normal part of any relationship, career, or personal journey. While the best path forward makes itself clear, approach your problem with calm resignation and confidence that better times lie ahead.
- Get on the same side of the table: If your feeling of desolation is driven by a clash of wills or conflicting view points, look at it as a mutual problem best solved collaboratively, not competitively. This applies in marriage and at work alike — research confirms that couples who thrive approach conflict as a shared challenge to solve together, not a battle to win.
- Do the work: Patience matters, but it isn’t enough on its own. Simply waiting out a difficult period — becoming a checked-out spouse or a disengaged employee — leads nowhere. Real intervention is often needed: counseling for a struggling marriage, coaching for a stalled career. Seek out this coaching or support diligently, and find the motivation in yourself to work to an actionable path forward.
Practiced consistently, these tactics transform our lowest points into opportunities for growth — and make each future encounter with desolation a little easier to bear.
From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
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