Marriage is a Team Sport, Not a Competition
Five takeaways:
- Competitiveness between spouses is a common cause of marital strife, but it can be overcome with the intentional adoption of a unified mentality as a couple over an “I” mentality as an individual within a partnership.
- Couples who view themselves as a component of a unique couple identity in which neither partner’s individual identity is dominant—tend to be better at coping with conflict. If the overarching view of the dynamic is unified, the divisiveness that arises in competitive feelings are more easily overcome.
- Since feelings of competitiveness are never going to be erased completely, a key tactic is to change just what kind of competition you allow yourself to pursue. If you take on competition as a couple, and include your partner in your goals, the effect on a relationship can be positive.
- Feelings of competitiveness are a prisoner’s dilemma. In a relationship driven by competition, both parties prioritize their self-interests, leading to mutual dissatisfaction and less-than-desirable outcomes. Conversely, when each partner makes individual sacrifices for the benefit of the relationship, both parties reap greater rewards.
- Three clear tactics couples can take to overcome feelings of competitiveness are:
- More We, Less Me: To prioritize your partnership, make “we” the default pronoun when communicating with your partner and others. This can help reshape your attitude through the “As-If Principle,” allowing you to act as a team and make joint decisions for the benefit of both partners.
- Put Money on Your Team: Pooling finances in a relationship can improve happiness and relationship longevity, even if partners have different spending habits, due to practical spending habits that emerge when resources are combined.
- Treat your Fights Like Exercise: An argument can be stressful, but it can be channeled productively when viewed as an opportunity to solve a problem collaboratively, which strengthens the relationship.
From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
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