MAP Strategic Wealth Advisors

Three takeaways:

Thompson asserts that happy couples are do not live argument-free lives. They are simply more effective at controlling the scope of their disagreements.

Research suggests that many happy couples engage in repetitive conflicts, but are still able to perceive themselves as happy because they focus on constructive communication rather than attempting to control each other’s behaviors.

Rather than try to control their partners, happy couples were more likely to focus on controlling themselves. They sat with silence more. They slowed down fights by reflecting before talking. They leaned on I statements (“I feel hurt that you’d say that about my parents”) rather than assumptive ones (“You’ve always just hated my mother”).

One common common pitfall of the arguments of unhappy couples is losing control of the scope of disagreements. Thompson calls this “opening new tabs,” as you might on a web browser. For instance, if one partner feels frustrated that the other didn’t do the dishes, don’t bring up a previous fight about a different chore (tab two!), and don’t let that bleed into a greater argument about miscommunication (tab three!). Be intentional about restrict the conversation to soap and plates.

Thompson urges readers to ask themselves three questions in the heat of a conflict:

1. “Are we opening new tabs?” Too many fights happen when one hard conversation branches into several hard conversations.
2. “Are we venting or problem-solving?” Too many fights happen when one partner tries to have an emotional conversation and feels shut down by a barrage of unemotional practical suggestions.
3. “What if I tried to control only myself?” Many fights are exacerbated by you need to statements. I need to statements direct inward the urge to control.

By recognizing and controlling what type of conversation is being had, a couple can focus on fixing that issue as quickly and efficiently as possible.

From Derek Thompson at The Atlantic:
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Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.

Four takeaways:

Our inner critic exists as a type of guardian against perceived potential harm or embarrassment or failure, and it is often rooted in past experiences or self-doubt. Understanding this inner critic is key to understanding that it is not in fact protecting you– it is keeping you from reaching your potential.

Overcoming the inner critic requires you to harness inner strength, acknowledge past successes and surround yourself with a supportive network. By seeking positive feedback and believing in yourself, you’re equipped to overcome any resistance the inner critic may impose to opportunities of growth.

Here is a battle plan for building that inner strength:

Pinpoint your strengths: Know what you bring to the table, your unique skills and experiences, much like a pilot understands their jet inside and out.

1. Pinpoint your strengths: Know what you bring to the table, and build on your unique skills and experiences. Much like a pilot understands their jet, you must know everything about your skills & arena.
2. Establish your objectives: Set specific, measurable goals that guide your journey. This turns lofty aspirations into targeted missions, each designed to challenge the inner critic’s narrative and replace doubt with evidence of your competence and achievement./li>
3. Engage your support squad: Recruit those trusted individuals who remind you of your worth, and bolster your courage when the mission feels daunting. Their feedback and camaraderie will push you forward with added confidence and perspective.
4. Celebrate every victory: Celebrate every win, no matter how insignificant you think it is. Each success is a testament to your growth, a strike against the inner critic’s baseless claims.

By Michelle Curran for the “Inverting Your Mindset” Newsletter:
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Three takeaways:

Psychologists have shown that the feeling of being harried and having insufficient time because of busyness is linked to less happiness. The strategic use of no can truly change your quality of life.

But it is not easy to do, and for some it can actually seem like a violent act to say no, even if the request is innocuous. There are a number of natural mental biases we have towards saying yes to things– we want to people-please; we fear the consequences of saying no to someone; we are wary of missed opportunities.

However, scholars have devised experiments to show that those who struggle to turn down requests from others typically overestimate the negative consequences of turning them down. Those who ask things of us will usually be less put out than you expect them to be if you say no to them. You just have to get the knack for saying no instead of yes. Here are some tips for getting better at saying no, especially in the workplace.

1. Start a No Club: Here, Brooks tells the story of a group of scientists who agreed they were overwhelmed with requests for their time, and vowed together to say no more often. They kept each other accountable to this, and saw that they became more efficient as a result. You can also communicate with peers about the power of saying no- creating accountability and also a collaborative checks and balance system to make sure no truly unavoidable or important ask gets unfulfilled.
2. Make no easier: Make no your default option by reframing asks & requests as a request to “opt in,” to a task, rather than something you need to make an excuse to “opt out” of. No becomes easier if you approach things knowing you are not going to choose to participate, and that whoever is making the ask will have to prove why they need you to partake.
3. Make yes harder: Put a framework in place to protect yourself from burdensome asks. Not all of us can have assistants to vet opportunities as Arthur Brooks does, but knowing the arrival of a request can cause a stress reaction means that we can consciously put our phones away or switch windows on the computer when a new request comes in. This gives us time to think and evaluate it. Put friction and obstacles on your path to saying yes.

Of course, requests for your time, attention, and diligence may be unavoidable. But with these tactics in hand, and a new consciousness of the sheer weight these unending requests can have on the mind– we hope you’ll be better prepared to deploy the word that should become your best friend: No.

From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
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Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.

Five takeaways:

The world’s problems are many, and it is natural to powerless in the face of all this negative news. But to disengage from the world’s problems only perpetuates the cycle of inaction, and removes our collective ability to affect change.

Brooks’s visits with the Dalai Lama have re-convinced him that solutions to the world’s lie not in grandiose actions by a select few, but in the minor, daily decisions individuals make every day.

Based on Tibetan Buddhist teachings, here are five examples of small-seeming yet world-changing acts that the Dalai Lama has challenged us to undertake each day:

1. Serve the tea: this references is a common act of generosity and humility in Tibetan culture—to serve others rather than expect to be served. Such a quiet gesture of hospitality starts a cycle of goodwill, and increases shared empathy.
2. Show your teeth: The Dalai Lama uses this expression frequently, to mean, “smile authentically.” He believes that smiles are a contagion, that will spread warmth and foster meaningful connection.
3. Change places: This boils down to being intentional about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. Choosing to focus compassionately on others’ troubles and admire their virtues may not always be easy, but brings out the best in others with practice.
4. Think, don’t just feel: this is a safeguard against the intrusion of negative thoughts or worry, which are erased by the intentional devotion to reason. Logic and reason can cure anxiety, the Dalai Lama says. “If there is a remedy, then what is the use of frustration? If there is no remedy, then what is the use of frustration?”
5. Let it go: There is power and liberation in not reacting to the bad behavior of others, and that restraint can actually be a meaningful act of kindness– both to the wrongdoers, and to yourself.

From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
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Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.