MAP Strategic Wealth Advisors

Surveys of parents consistently show that the top two desires of parents is that their kids grow up to be a) good people and b) happy people. The concern is: what is the best way for a parent to make this happen?

The classic debate is nature vs. nurture: What has a greater effect? Are children born blank slates, or is personality biological and inherited? Recent studies have shown that it is the latter. These findings would suggest that the overall effect of parenting, good or bad, is drastically overestimated.

However these surveys showed two notable exceptions, in two dimensions of personality: conscientiousness and agreeableness. Children were more conscientious when parents were more involved in their lives. They were more agreeable when their parents raised them with more structure and goals.

The research gives us three distinct parenting rules to better assure that your child grows up to be both good and happy. These are:

1. Even a mess can be a good parent: While some habits will be learned, don’t let a fear of passing along problems or bad habits keep you from having kids. The single greatest thing a parent can do to benefit their child is be present/involved.
2. When you don’t know what to do, be warm and loving: Warmth and affection trump all. Your reaction to your kids worst behavior will define their paths forward, and provide a blueprint for how they eventually parent as well.
3. Be the person you want your kids to become: Kids are walking BS-detectors. They notice when there is a difference between what you say and what you do. This is simple. If you do not want them to grow up to drink heavily, don’t drink heavily in front of them. If you want them to be warm people, be warm to them.

Research shows that constant complaining can have an incredibly negative effect on one’s mood, even in moments when they are not confronted with something to complain about. Research also shows that being a complainer can directly harm the happiness & enjoyment of those around you.

Thankfully It is a breakable habit. Here are four, research-based ways to quit complaining.

1. Judge less, observe more. Complaining is a judgmental act, but you can be intentional about observing without judgment. Reframe minor irritations as simple, unimportant events. and become more of an observer in the game of life. Remember: water off of a duck’s back.
2. Consider the underlying problem: Constant complaining may indicate deeper issues, such as depression. Be introspective about why you are complaining. Addressing what truly bothers you might diminish the need for complaining about trivial matters like weather or politics.
3. Be a Stoic: Stoicism involves managing emotions through reason rather than suppressing them. Before complaining, ask if you can change the situation. If you can, don’t waste energy complaining and act in pursuit of the solution. If you can’t change the situation, understand that complaining won’t help.
4. Avoid the grumblers: Surround yourself with positive influences and limit exposure to negativity, both in media and in people. Remember that so much of the media we consume– tv news, social media– are sustained and profitable because they strike at the “complaining” part of the brain.

Thompson asserts that happy couples are do not live argument-free lives. They are simply more effective at controlling the scope of their disagreements.

Research suggests that many happy couples engage in repetitive conflicts, but are still able to perceive themselves as happy because they focus on constructive communication rather than attempting to control each other’s behaviors.

Rather than try to control their partners, happy couples were more likely to focus on controlling themselves. They sat with silence more. They slowed down fights by reflecting before talking. They leaned on I statements (“I feel hurt that you’d say that about my parents”) rather than assumptive ones (“You’ve always just hated my mother”).

One common common pitfall of the arguments of unhappy couples is losing control of the scope of disagreements. Thompson calls this “opening new tabs,” as you might on a web browser. For instance, if one partner feels frustrated that the other didn’t do the dishes, don’t bring up a previous fight about a different chore (tab two!), and don’t let that bleed into a greater argument about miscommunication (tab three!). Be intentional about restrict the conversation to soap and plates.

Thompson urges readers to ask themselves three questions in the heat of a conflict:

1. “Are we opening new tabs?” Too many fights happen when one hard conversation branches into several hard conversations.
2. “Are we venting or problem-solving?” Too many fights happen when one partner tries to have an emotional conversation and feels shut down by a barrage of unemotional practical suggestions.
3. “What if I tried to control only myself?” Many fights are exacerbated by you need to statements. I need to statements direct inward the urge to control.