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Nothing Drains You Like Mixed Emotions

Five takeaways:

Well into the 20th Century, many psychologists believed that mixed emotions existed on a continuum. Which was to say: Researchers didn’t think you could feel good and bad at the same time. Evidence soon mounted that positive and negative emotions can co-exist, and often switch in and out of prevalence very quickly.

Last year, a study by the Journal of Happiness Studies measured the relationship of wellbeing to positive, negative, and mixed emotion. The study showed that mixed emotions plummeted overall wellbeing far more than negative emotion.

A commonly used “solution” to the pain of mixed emotions is to force oneself to view everything as either 100% positive or 100% negative. Scientists have found that this kind of “Dichotomous thinking” is unhealthy. They instead urge “Dialectical Thinking,” which boils down to viewing everything through the prism of acceptance: the knowledge that mixed emotions are natural and not a cause for alarm.

To become more dialectical in your thinking, start by consciously acknowledging your conflicting feelings, as opposed to letting them battle away in your subconscious. Accept that life does not present itself in black and white. This will provide a sense of relief and control over decisions and emotions.

Seeing the true complexity of relationships or decisions or experiences takes us beyond the superficial “great” or “horrible” descriptions that do more to confuse/frustrate us than to add any clarity to our lives. By embracing mixed emotions, we not only control them, we enable deeper understanding and experience.

From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
Read the whole story.

Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.

This site may contain links to articles or other information that may be contained on a third-party website. Advisory Services Network, LLC and MAP Strategic Wealth Advisors are not responsible for and do not control, adopt, or endorse any content contained on any third party website. The information and material contained in linked articles is of a general nature and is intended for educational purposes only. Links to articles do not constitute a recommendation or a solicitation or offer of the purchase or sale of securities.

Marriage is a Team Sport, Not a Competition

Five takeaways:

Competitiveness between spouses is a common cause of marital strife, but it can be overcome with the intentional adoption of a unified mentality as a couple over an “I” mentality as an individual within a partnership.

Couples who view themselves as a component of a unique couple identity in which neither partner’s individual identity is dominant—tend to be better at coping with conflict. If the overarching view of the dynamic is unified, the divisiveness that arises in competitive feelings are more easily overcome.

Since feelings of competitiveness are never going to be erased completely, a key tactic is to change just what kind of competition you allow yourself to pursue. If you take on competition as a couple, and include your partner in your goals, the effect on a relationship can be positive.

Feelings of competitiveness are a prisoner’s dilemma. In a relationship driven by competition, both parties prioritize their self-interests, leading to mutual dissatisfaction and less-than-desirable outcomes. Conversely, when each partner makes individual sacrifices for the benefit of the relationship, both parties reap greater rewards.

Three clear tactics couples can take to overcome feelings of competitiveness are:

More We, Less Me: To prioritize your partnership, make “we” the default pronoun when communicating with your partner and others. This can help reshape your attitude through the “As-If Principle,” allowing you to act as a team and make joint decisions for the benefit of both partners.

Put Money on Your Team: Pooling finances in a relationship can improve happiness and relationship longevity, even if partners have different spending habits, due to practical spending habits that emerge when resources are combined.

Treat your Fights Like Exercise: An argument can be stressful, but it can be channeled productively when viewed as an opportunity to solve a problem collaboratively, which strengthens the relationship.

From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
Read the whole story.

Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.

This site may contain links to articles or other information that may be contained on a third-party website. Advisory Services Network, LLC and MAP Strategic Wealth Advisors are not responsible for and do not control, adopt, or endorse any content contained on any third party website. The information and material contained in linked articles is of a general nature and is intended for educational purposes only. Links to articles do not constitute a recommendation or a solicitation or offer of the purchase or sale of securities.

No One Cares!

Five takeaways:

Humans have a tendency to put too much weight on the projected opinions of others. Roman Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius observed almost 2,000 years ago, “We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion more than our own.” This rings true for friends, coworkers, and enemies alike. How do we overcome it?

Evolution explains why we weigh the opinions of others so intensely: throughout human history, our survival has depended on being accepted members of close-knit clans and tribes. There was a time when being cast out of a group meant death from cold or starvation. We are wired to seek validation and belonging from those around us.

Brooks offers three tactics for overcoming the intense anxiety tied to the opinions of others. The first is to never forget the “No One Cares!” meaning, that study after study shows that we overestimate how much people dwell on us in any way. People are probably not thinking about you.

The second tactic: Rebel Against Your Shame. Assess the quality that you might be worried about being judged for and embrace it. Shrug it off; accept it as a part of what makes you who you are. Intentionally doing this can serve as a good reminder that the opinions of others are mostly fictional and almost always unproductive.

Last, Stop Judging Others. As Brooks notes, the Buddha said, “Whoever judges others digs a pit for themselves.” To judge someone else is to implicitly put stock in the power of external judgement. Overcoming your own impulse to judge someone will numb the pain of the supposed judgement of others.

From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
Read the whole story.

Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.

This site may contain links to articles or other information that may be contained on a third-party website. Advisory Services Network, LLC and MAP Strategic Wealth Advisors are not responsible for and do not control, adopt, or endorse any content contained on any third party website. The information and material contained in linked articles is of a general nature and is intended for educational purposes only. Links to articles do not constitute a recommendation or a solicitation or offer of the purchase or sale of securities.

The Hidden Link Between Workaholism and Mental Health

Five takeaways:

Studies suggest workaholism is strongly linked with anxiety and depression, and while it’s commonly believed that compulsive work can cause these issues, some psychologists suggest that it could be the reverse: People may use work as a means to cope with their depression and anxiety.

This could explain why so many people actually increased their work hours during the pandemic. Amid new anxieties and unknowns, work offered comfort and structure.

Studies have shown that while extreme work hours may benefit one’s career, they can also lead to self-medication tactics, including new addictions to alcohol or drugs – a secondary addiction to temper the negative effects of the primary work addiction.

Some tactics one can take to combat creeping workaholism are: auditing one’s time to get a full portrait of how it is being spent, intentionally scheduling downtime, and making sure that downtime is filled with active and intentional activities rather than passive ones like scrolling social media or binging television.

Confronting a work addiction will lead you to confront the life issues that you may be trying, subconsciously or consciously, to avoid.

From Arthur C. Brooks at The Atlantic:
Read the whole story.

Note: At the time of this posting The Atlantic offers five free article views per month.

This site may contain links to articles or other information that may be contained on a third-party website. Advisory Services Network, LLC and MAP Strategic Wealth Advisors are not responsible for and do not control, adopt, or endorse any content contained on any third party website. The information and material contained in linked articles is of a general nature and is intended for educational purposes only. Links to articles do not constitute a recommendation or a solicitation or offer of the purchase or sale of securities.

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