Here’s Some Advice: You’re Asking the Wrong Person for Advice
Three takeaways:
During difficult times, it often feels natural to seek support from someone who has experienced the same issue you are facing. However, recent research indicates that individuals who have faced substantial challenges, even if those challenges differ from our own, may provide more effective support.
Social scientists say that those without intimate knowledge of your particular problem will not assume they have full knowledge of your situation, and be more likely to listen with empathy rather than stretch to apply their experience to yours.
Similarly, Close friends who are familiar with your past may feel more comfortable casting judgment or making broad statements when go to them for support. Going to people you might consider “weak ties” can lead the more insightful, sensitive conversation and a more open set of ears.
Here are three tactics for finding the right person to go to for support:
- Know what you need: do you need specific advice, or are you just looking to vent and feel heard? Once you know what you are looking for, be clear with the person you’re reaching out to about what type of support you need from them.
- Ask Multiple People: We seek second opinions from doctors all the time. Why don’t we apply this to our personal problems as well? Asking multiple people can provide a balanced and more comprehensive viewpoint.
- Find someone who’s had a different challenge: “Emotion match.” Seek support from someone who has faced a different but emotionally similar experience. For instance, if you are going through a divorce, someone who has endured a significant job loss may understand your pain and sense of loss, but also ask the basic questions that will allow you to feel heard.
By being intentional about your need for advice or support, and considering that your closest friends or family may not be the most productive people to seek it from, we can forge a better path towards overcoming the challenges we face.
From Elizabeth Bernstein at The Wall Street Journal:
Note: At the time of this posting The Wall Street Journal requires a subscription to read this article.