How Happy Couples Argue
Three takeaways:
Thompson asserts that happy couples are do not live argument-free lives. They are simply more effective at controlling the scope of their disagreements.
Research suggests that many happy couples engage in repetitive conflicts, but are still able to perceive themselves as happy because they focus on constructive communication rather than attempting to control each other’s behaviors.
Rather than try to control their partners, happy couples were more likely to focus on controlling themselves. They sat with silence more. They slowed down fights by reflecting before talking. They leaned on I statements (“I feel hurt that you’d say that about my parents”) rather than assumptive ones (“You’ve always just hated my mother”).
One common common pitfall of the arguments of unhappy couples is losing control of the scope of disagreements. Thompson calls this “opening new tabs,” as you might on a web browser. For instance, if one partner feels frustrated that the other didn’t do the dishes, don’t bring up a previous fight about a different chore (tab two!), and don’t let that bleed into a greater argument about miscommunication (tab three!). Be intentional about restrict the conversation to soap and plates.
Thompson urges readers to ask themselves three questions in the heat of a conflict:
- “Are we opening new tabs?” Too many fights happen when one hard conversation branches into several hard conversations.
- “Are we venting or problem-solving?” Too many fights happen when one partner tries to have an emotional conversation and feels shut down by a barrage of unemotional practical suggestions.
- “What if I tried to control only myself?” Many fights are exacerbated by you need to statements. I need to statements direct inward the urge to control.
By recognizing and controlling what type of conversation is being had, a couple can focus on fixing that issue as quickly and efficiently as possible.
From Derek Thompson at The Atlantic:
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